Sheila Bryson

Gossip Mags and Relating To Celebs

I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm a big fan of gossip magazines like US Weekly and InTouch.  The section that I always turn to first are usually called something like "In Touch with their real sides," or "They're just like us."  They have pictures of celebrities doing regular things that are supposed to make us feel like they are regular people.  You know like eating a donut, grocery shopping or even untangling the cords to their iPods.

 
I don't know about you guys, but seeing that Reese Witherspoon has once had a Starbucks coffee doesn't really make me feel connected to her.  How about a shot of Reese's face when she realizes that she's had her underwear on inside out all day?  Maybe one of Kate Winslet buying four slices of pizza to cope with her emotions through food?  Or a picture of Sienna Miller waking up on a Saturday morning with whiplash, one earring on and dirt all over her pants.

 

Now that will make me feel like celebs are one of my peeps.

Running At Work

I work in a small office, there are 25 of us.  We are in a big open room with a bunch of desks in it.  Nothing is ever more than 25 paces away.  But we still have an office runner in our midst.  By runner, I don't mean a drug dealer, I don't mean someone who fetches office supplies, I mean someone who physically RUNS in the office.  

I am not a fan of office runners, there are very few reasons someone should ever need to run in a business office: to escape fire, to procure leftover donuts from a meeting and to avoid crapping ones pants.

Liar Liar Lumbar on Fire

I used to lie a lot when I was a kid.  My lies weren't super evil or anything, it was like I thought that if I said certain things out loud they might come true.

 

For example, I went to a camp that had sailing.  The teacher asked if anyone could sail.  I said, "I can!" even though I had no clue how to sail.  Fast forward to 15 minutes later, when I had miraculously sailed a boat to the middle of the lake, and I literally jumped ship, leaving four little girls to fend for themselves, the boat tipping over moments after I abandoned ship, dumping my crew into the lake.

I did the same thing to myself with hockey.  One of the things that Canadians are all supposed to be able to do is ice skate.  I have completely flat feet, and after a week of classes when I was five-years-old, the skating coach pulled my mom aside to tell her that skating was physiologically impossible for her ankle burning daughter.  So yeah, I can't skate, which might explain why I was asked to leave Canada and move here, but the point is that I can't skate.  In grade 10, or 10th grade as Americans call it, I decided that I could indeed skate, and that I would try out for my high school's women's varsity hockey team.  My friends mother, Mrs. Slack took us to the rink at 5 a.m. and I can still remember the sound of her laugh when I first stepped on ice and fell flat on my lumbar.  

What I've learned: don't lie about things that can't be faked.  Orgasms?  Sure.  Swimming?  Not a great idea.

AmeriCanadian in Battle of the Bay Quarter Finals

AmeriCanadian Doing Stand-Up: A Quick Three-Minute Set

Unlike some of the guys I've dated, three minutes just isn't enough time for me to finish off properly.

Sister of AmeriCanadian: Also a Diabolical Genius

The email my sister sent her kid's teacher today as an April Fool's joke.  I love my family.

Good Morning Keri,

 

After much thought and deliberation, Jean-Luc and I have decided to withdraw Claire from school.  We feel that she has reached the highest academic potential she will ever reach, and we are sending her away to a farm in Saskatchewan to learn how to milk sheep.  Ewe milk is very popular these days, and we feel that she will have a very successful life being a sheep farmer.  Thank you so much to both yourself and to Lynn for all that you have done for Claire, but it is now time to accept the fact that she is really meant for a future that does not include school.  The sheep will be all that she needs.  We will drop be later today to pick up her belongings.  Please feel free to donate any pens and pencils to fellow classmates as where she is going a stool, a bucket and strong hands are all she will really need.

 

Best wishes to you both and a very happy April 1^st,

 

Carolyn

Why The Downturn Sucks for People Who Still Have Jobs

Why does the downturn suck for people who still have jobs?

Because you aren't allowed to complain about your job.  EVER.

Even if you are super slammed at work, clocking 16 hours days, working weekends, etc, in a downturn you are pretty much not allowed to complain about how rough work is because the response is always going to be, "Well at least you have a job," which then makes you feel like an asshole.  

This leads you to bottle up your unrealeased frustration and perhaps you deal with it by taking it out on your liver or in the case of many AmeriCanadian readers you end up watching too much internet porn.

Why I Will Never Be a Feminist

I really respect women who are hardcore feminists. Many of them call themselves "womyn" with a y. Get it? Like we are our own sex, but not one that was born from Adam's rib or whatever. To me the whole womyn thing is the wrong way to go, why choose a word that sounds the same but is only off by one letter? If it were up to me I would want us to be called something way cooler. I was thinking that we could hijack the name of a cool animal instead? Could we be the Wolverines maybe? While Hugh Jackman might not approve, wolverines are bad assed and the word even starts with W- which will make the transition a lot easier. You might be thinking to yourself, what about the wolverines? Well there are only so many of them in Michigan and there are billions of women so I think we win by majority. Forget wolverines for a second: what if we stole an extinct animal's name- like one of the dinosaurs!! Seriously, what if the entire female gender was re-named the Velociraptors? Try to pay a Velciraptor less than a man, motherfuckers!!!

25 Random Things That Annoy Me

1.  People who wear Ed Hardy clothing

2.  Alarm clocks that don't have a radio.  I hate waking up to BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP!  What a shitty way to start the day.  

3.  Prius drivers

4.  My inability to sleep in

5.  People who laugh after everything that they say

6.  When definitely is spelled definately

7.  The smell of tar

8.  When you get sushi or Chinese food delivered and there isn't enough soy sauce

9.  Gynecological exams

10. The fact that I can't do simple math

11. When American's make fun of my Canadian accent, and Canadians make fun of my American accent

12. Dating.  My god it fucking sucks

13. Women with kids who think that they no longer have anything in common with women who don't have kids

14. Anything with the word shower in it: baby shower, wedding shower, golden shower

15. eHarmony ads

16. Ulf Samuelsson

17. My cat waking me up every hour every night

18. When waiters crouch down to talk to you at eye level.  Creepy.

19. iPhones, mostly because I have envy

20. People who don't use their indicating lights while driving

21. Louis Vuitton handbags

22. Passive aggressiveness

23. Being seated at a wedding at a table with a single guy who is a total douche and everyone else at the table is part of a couple

24. The fact that Street Sheet comes out monthly and not weekly

25. EMOTICONS

From The Grammy's Red Carpet: AmeriCanadian's Impressions

Paula Abdul: what's up with the dress Paula?  I get the hardware and the soft feminine look together, but it's kind of bizarre.  And are Simon and Paula really dating!?  I would not like to walk in on that.  By that I mean those two having sex, just to be clear.

Flor IDA (is that how it's spelled?): He said that he grew up amongst a lot of women.  He has a huge cross on, I actually think that he looks like a minister who has a wealthy congregation that tithes a LOT.  Not that sexy.  Sorry Flo.

NE-Yo: I like his ascot.  There are not enough ascot's in this world.  Then he explained why his name is Ne-Yo, and it's basically a rip off of The Matrix.  That is gay.  Move along Ne-Yo.

Leona Lewis: Hm, her dress is .  She does have a delightful accent.  (OMG! during this interview there is a shot of Cindy Lauper who looks like she just pulled herself out of a grave)  Leona's boobs don't quite fit into her dress.  They are smooshing out of the top/sides of the dress giving the appearance of armpit fat.

Estelle:  I LOVE HER!  But her dress makes her look like she should be on a spaceship. I like that look.  Her necklace is fun!  OMG they are talking about Roscoes, why!?  This is my favorite Estelle song, Wait a Minute.  

LL Cool J:  The second concert I ever went to. I really like the shape of his sunglasses.  Seacrest trying to get him to take his shades off, LL isn't HAVING it.  

T-Pain: He is not tall.  Wow.  He is mixing up two different sets of grillz.  That is racy.  His grillz were $14K.  Dear famous people, don't talk about how expensive things are in these economic times, especially your grillz.

Carrie Underwood: She looks old.  Why is everyone too glammed up!?  This is The Grammy's!!  Not the Oscars!  

Katy Perry: TOO GLAM I AM OVER THIS.  She looks adorable in the soft bubblegum pink.  Am I wrong about The Grammys' fashion?

Lupe Fiasco!!!  I LOVE HIM!  I like his shoes- he's rockin' Louis Vuitton sneaks.  That's what I'm talking about!  Aw, he's there with him Mom.  So cute.

Ok, I'm bored of this.

Stream of Consciousness With No Punctuation

These are the worst sometimes but sometimes they're the best went to a friend's birthday party at The Sausage Factory tonight it was fun but then I came home and know that I won't get to see this guy I have a crush on which sucks but he's busy so I totally understand I love that it's raining because it's a license to be lazy I hope it's rainy tomorrow so that I can sleep in and read magazines in bed all day I had a really rough critique last night at Comedy College and it has really been bugging me so much so that I woke up this morning in such a horrible mood and I am still being affected by it I just wish that I could shake it off it fucking sucks I was cranky on the way home from work tonight and I looked out the window on MUNI and the sky was amazingly beautiful over Oakland and it made me smile and feel happy for a few moments and I was also listening to Electric Avenue by Wycleff at the same time and it really got me in a much better mood and feeling better about things and tomorrow night I am going to dinner at my friend Nancy's it should be fun I got this new eyeliner and when I put it on it completely smudges and makes me look like a crack whore which I guess is a pretty hot look in some neighborhoods in this city but not really what I'm going for I think I'm going to have to buy a new one so that I don't look so whorey tomorrow I should really go to Twin Peaks and do some writing but I really need to get on some stages and it's getting me down because I'm not really sure if I really want to do this comedy thing but I know I will regret it if I don't keep trying and I'm sure that I'm just reacting this way because of last night and FUCK it sucks

Things About Living in San Francisco That Make Me Laugh

When you are riding public transportation (or MUNI for those of you who know) and a normal person is clearly being cornered and talked at by a crazy homeless person. When you make eye contact with the normal person, the look on their face says, "Help me," and the look on your face says, "Thanks for taking one for the team."

50 Random Things About Me- Cause I'm Really Random

There is a phenomenon on Facbeook right now asking people to list out 25 random things about themselves.  I did it, but the thing is that I can come up with a TON more than 25.  I think it could be a good exercise for me.  Here goes, let's see how many I can come up with.

Here is my original list from Facebook.

1. I have a cat named Mrs. Krusty Bottoms.
2. I'm a dual citizen.
3. I'm really not sure if I'm ever going to move back to Canada.
4. I like my peanut butter chunky, not smooth.
5. I was stung by a sting ray in the Bahamas when I was six.
6. I once worked as a lawn mower in a cemetery.
7. I've lived in five different provinces in Canada.
8. The first concert I ever saw was MC Hammer. Vanilla Ice and En Vogue opened for him.
9. I'd like the first song at my wedding to be, "I Love It When You Call Me Big Poppa" by Notorious BIG.
10. I once saved my childhood best friend's life by removing water wings from her feet.
11. I'm pretty sure that Jason Mraz, John Mayer and Jack Johnson are the same person.
12. I come from a long line of fishermen.
13. One of my fishermen Uncles was named Bubb and he had a pet parrot (that he won in a game of poker) AND a pet fox. The fox was named Prince Charles. You can't make that up.
14. I hate the texture of oatmeal and creme brulee. Yick.
15. My favorite form of any adjective or adverb is the superlative. Everything in my life is either the BEST or the WORST. It's something I need to work on.
16. I was once engaged.
17. I figured out that I wanted to try PR after taking a career aptitude test. 
18. I moved to San Francisco without ever having been here.
19. If I could meet any celebrity, it would be Dolly Parton.
20. When I was a little girl I was obsessed with The Fonz.
21. I worked at a ski resort in the Canadian Rockies for a year and a half and it changed my life forever.
22. I went to boarding school for three years and it changed my life forever, too.
23. I sometimes wish I had unlimited credit with Sky Mall.
24. My favorite movie of all time is Tommy Boy.
25. I spend a lot of time wishing they made adult underoos.

and here goes the + part of the 25.

26.  My sister and I once almost got hit by lightening and pelted by golf ball sized hail.

27.  I like my pizza with pepperoni, mushrooms and extra cheese.

28.  I once joined the girl's hockey team at my high school even though I couldn't skate.

29.  I look exactly like my Mom.  I mean you could walk by her on the street and know she's my Mom.

30.  If I ever have a kid, I think Bryson would be a kick ass name.  Even if it's a girl.

31.  I once worked as a bartender at a curling rink.

32.  The only cruise I've ever been on was a two night trip to Ensenada.

33.  Two of my best friends are a couple named Dave and Richard.  I call them my two Dads because they once saved my life.  Seriously.

34.  My Dad plays the piano really well. He always said he knew he could make $100 a night playing the piano if he lost his job.

35.  My favorite day of the year is April Fool's Day.

36.  I can make my birthday last for a really long time.

37.  I don't think I've ever really been in love, but I think I will be some day.

38.  Menus with too many items on them completely overwhelm me.

39.  If I could be any superhero it would be Wonder Woman.  That clear jet was way too cool.

40.  My favorite book is The Secret History by Donna Tartt.

41.  It took me four years to finally try stand-up comedy.

42.  If I could kick any celebrity in the nuts, it would be Mario Lopez.

43.  I used to read Sweet Valley High books.

44.  One of my biggest regrets since moving to San Francisco was moving out of my apartment in Potrero Hill.

45.  My favorite city ever is Edinburgh. 

46.  I went to summer camp from the age of 6. 

47.  The first time I got drunk I was in grade 8.

48.  One of the most anti-climactic moments of my life was crossing the border to move to the States.

49. Pancakes and cornbread are two of the world's most perfect foods.

50.  If I could join any band I would probably join the P Funk All Stars.  Those guys had some fun.

DJ Sheila B Stylin'

Things I Will Never Do

#6) Wear anything by Ed Hardy #7) Wear a Juicy Couture velour track suit #8) Misspell definitely (really people? You are a grown ass person and you still spell is definately? Get a grip)

Blog Slacker

I have been MIA, I know. Ever since I started Comedy College I have been hesitant to jot any of my crazy thoughts down here. I have come to realize that it's silly to "save" my funny for the stage, especially when most of what I write here won't translate directly to the stage. So how am I? Life is really good right now, truth be told. Work is going amazingly well, I am enjoying Comedy College and start the advanced class tomorrow. Should be interesting, we all have to get up and do seven minutes- I'm not quite sure if I have that much material but we shall see how it goes.

Things My Parents Say

Piano player at Lefty O'Douls: "We have a big crew in from Maine!" Father of AmeriCanadian stands up, Guiness in hand and yells: "People from Maine are a bunch of retards!!!"

The Parents of AmeriCanadian Are En Route to SF

It's true, they are on their way tomorrow.  We literally just saw each other in Kansas over Thanksgiving (remember me fake napping?). It's rare that our visits are timed so closely together. 

I am blessed ot have awesome friends that are letting my folks stay in their home while they are away, in return we are looking after their beautiful rhodesian ridgeback Lola. 

I think that it should be ok and I promise to keep you all updated, but here are some predictions.

1) My Dad will get kicked out of Lefty O'Douls.

2) My Mom will tell me how I should arrange the furniture in my apartment.

3) My Dad will mess up the home owners' where they are staying entertainment system to the point of no return.

OMG OMG OMG OMG!! I Didn't Bomb!

I just got home from my first open-mic ever, and I didn't bomb!  In three short minutes, I learned a lot about my strengths and what I need to work on to start improving.  Firstly, people seemed to WANT to laugh at stuff I said.  As though I have a funny disposition to start with.

My material definitely wasn't awesome, I think technically I really only told two jokes.  But I did talk to the crowd and engage with them, and I even had a blunder or two that seemed to make them like me more.

Now it's time to hunker down and get to writing.  My big takeaway though, is that there is no substitution for getting on stage- I rehearsed until I was blue in the face, and it couldn't hold a candle to three minutes on stage.

Thanks to my loyal AmeriCanadian readers for your support.  It really did help me have the balls to get up there!

I'm Losing My Virginity On Wednesday

Tonight is my second-last night to write and rehearse before I do my first ever stand-up open mic on Wednesday night.  I am getting pretty freaked out about it, but at the same time, I just want to get it over with.  The more and more I think about it, the more I think that a losing your virginity analogy applies.  Think about the advice given to girls who are going to have sex for the first time:

You must not be pressured into it.  It might hurt a little bit, but that's to be expected.  The more relaxed you are the less it will hurt.  It depends on how big the guy is (or crowd).  In most cases there isn't any bleeding.  It sometimes hurts at first, but can end up feeling kind of good.  You shouldn't feel embarrassed afterward.

Ahhh, this little exercise made me feel a lot better.  If I end up liking stand-up as much as I like...

Well, I should be ok is the key takeaway.

I'm Addicted To Facebook

It's official people, I'm addicted to Facebook.  Tonight I got home from stand-up class (which I crushed, btw) and sat down to log into Facebook on my laptop.  A nightly ritual I enjoy, but also recongnize that I spend too much time on it during my evenings.  So I get a message from Facebook that my account is temporarily unavailable.  WHAT!?  WHY ME FACEBOOK, WHY ME?! 

My need for social networking is so bad that I just signed onto, wait for it.... MYSPACE. Desparate times...  Anyways I was horrified to see one of the weight loss ads that are always targeted at me.  Check out how disturbing this is....  Is that someone's thigh?  Yick!

Things I Will Never Do

#5) Read a trilogy of books about vampires and teenagers

BRAVO: The Soup Clip of the Week

I can't stop giggling about this.

Comedy College Is Weird

I started taking stand-up classes at the San Francisco Comedy College. I have been wanting to do this for ages and am finally going to take my balls out of my purse and give it a try. Tonight was our second class and the thing that is really interesting is the posturing that is going on amongst my classmates. Now I am absolutely including myself in that observation. I think people are super tense because they feel some kind of pressure to be funny at every opportunity. Everyone in the room is used to being the funny one, so there is a lot of sniffing out happening amongst us all. I hope that we will all relax soon because it is exhausting!! I am going to do two open mics at the college next week, I'm pretty excited about it. Word has it that even if you don't have material you should start getting on stage as soon as possible.

Things I Will Never Do

#4) List my middle name as Hussein on a social networking platform

Things My Parents Say

Dad farts in car. Mom, "George!" Dad, "Well it's as cold as a bastard back here, I had to create my own heat."

Things My Parents Say

Dad: You know what all religions have in common? They are all anti-vagina.

Photo of the Room I'm Fake Napping In

I am in here fake napping to avoid a double dose of my Mother and Grandmother's passive aggressiveness. It is so intense I can hardly handle it.

Things My Family Say

Grandma: I don't like men who part their hair down the middle.

Things My Parents Say

Dad: She had no titts, so I knew she was smart.

Things My Parents Say

Dad: That god damned store has so many things I cant believe they didn't have any cheese. I didnt even bother buying any crackers.

Special Thanksgiving Series: Things The Parents of AmeriCanadian Say

I'm on a plane right now heading for Lincoln, Nebraska where I will meet up with my parents and drive to Belleville, Kansas. Some of you might have heard some of my Kansas stories- my Grandma lives in this town which has a population of 2,000. There is one bar called the Lone Wolf where the regulars play Styx on the juke box without irony. I will have the tremendous fortune of havin adjoining hotel rooms with my parents at the local Motel 8. I read some reviews of the motel and it turns out that the sheets all have pubes and donut crumbs already included. Awesome. My point here is that I will be spending a lot of time with the parents of AmeriCanadian and thought it would be fine to live blog anything crazy they might say while we are together. Wish me luck, and who knows I might even do some mobile uploads while I'm there. Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Sky Mall Never Ceases to Amaze

A "stand up" desk. I would axe kick that desk off of someones gut if I ever saw them using it. I like this guys outfit- he looks like he's taking care of some serious biznass.

One More Sky Mall Find: Pitching a Tent

This is a mini tent and they actually suggest that you take a snooze in it at the airport on a flight layover or delay. I can see some inappropriate uses for it in that capacity- sex, masturbating, or maybe to sober up after a bender at a bar at O'Hare? Also what do you say to the security dude when he asks what those metal poles are? "It's my airport masturbatorium"

Trojan Vibrating Touch Commercial: Seven Questions and/or Observations

1) What magazine are these women reading? 

2) What's up with this beauty salon?  Why do the women all look like they are wearing power suits from the early 90s?

3) What women rave about their sex toys to their girlfriends for WEEKS?  These women are sex-crazed perverts!

4) What did the one girl whisper to the other one?  Any guesses people?  I think maybe you can use it as a cock ring or something like that.

5) It would have been better if that old bird had been on her laptop behind them.

6) Good for a relationship huh?  Not after that comment you horn dog.

7) What did the brainstorm for this commercial look like?  I guarantee that they were likely trying to remove the stigma of sex toys.  "We need to make it ok for women to talk about vibrators, even old birds with red hair."

Things I Will Never Do

#3) Get a spray on tan.

Dog Pimp, Just Cause

Love the Reaction Here

Geto Boys - My Mind Playing Tricks On Me

The lyrics to this song are so amazing.

http://www.lyricsfreak.com/g/geto+boys/mind+playin+tricks+on+me_20059884.html

Things I Will Never Do

#2) Post a picture of my kid as my profile picture.

Ten Things I Learned This Week: Hickeys and Stand-Up

10) I need more sleep.

9) I need to stop drinking at Il Pirata, it's going to be the death of me.

8) The YMCA has some really hot straight dudes as members.

7) Families are all fucked up.  ALL of them.

6) I am completely addicted to social networking.  Someone should organize an intervention.

5) I can totally do stand-up and am going to work hard to make it happen.

4) Being 32 and having to cover up a hickey the morning before a management meeting makes giggle.

3) Canadians honor their veterans more than Americans.

2) Prop 8 sucks big balls.  (well I knew that already).

1) I love my job still.

New Series: Things I Will Never Do

#1 - Post a picture of my engagement ring to Facebook.

New Series: Worst Tattoos AmeriCanadian Sees in the Gym Locker Room

I joined the YMCA last night.  I'm over Gold's (aka the Gay Gym).  Are you REALLY hitting on each other at 6:30 a.m.?  Good on you I guess, I admire your stamina, but it's just not my cup of tea.

I noticed some sad looking tattoos in the locker room.  I thought it would be fun to start ongoing series sharing the ones that I see in there that make me thankful that I never got one. 

Today's winner:

A Yin and Yang symbol on a white chick on her lower back.

AmeriCanadian Approved: Ninja Kittens

Pantyhose Shirt Causes AmeriCanadian to Pull the Plug on Online Dating

The past six months have been interesting for me dating-wise.  I've re-connected with an old flame, quickly realizing that there was a damn good reason why that didn't work out in the first place.  I've met new dudes through Match.com who have taken me to really unfun places (location-wise and situation-wise).  I'm blaming it all on online dating. 

I know that this is a big shift for me.  I've been involved in online dating off and on for a while, and have managed to meet some fun people by way of participating.  I mean without online dating, I never would have met that guy who unsolicitedly (is that a word?) texted me the picture of his junk before we even met.  That made for some fun blogging!  Deep down, all the while, online dating has been like a social experiment for me. 

I've decided that I'm going to shift my focus to meeting people first and dating them second.  It's a scary proposition in San Francisco, a city that is notoriously hard to meet people in.  But I'm up for the challenge.

I've been thinking about this for a while, but the catalyst was receiving a wink from someone wearing a shirt made out of pantyhose material.  I'm sure he's a very nice fellow, but somehow his wink captures everything that I've grown to hate about online dating in one pantyhose shirt.